Desperate times

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Today I actually found myself trying to teach A how to suck her thumb at age 2.

Mommy: “You know, when I was your age I sucked my thumb. Like this. Suck, suck. It helped me sleep. Maybe you should try it…”

A: “Ulgh mommy. Thumb yucky.”

Mommy: “Sigh. I suppose, but just think about it in the middle of the night, OK? Suck, suck.

Our dentist would just flip if he heard that conversation.


This is what I get for trying to be efficient

Instead of hauling both kids, soccer gear, and the other necessary items for a day at the park out to the car all at once, I decided this morning that I would shlep all of the gear out long before it was actually time to go. In theory, I could then just walk out the door dragging two children behind without also struggling with bags and sippys and soccer balls. Except in one of the bags were my keys. And when I tossed the bag into the trunk, the car alarm got set off. Locking the car doors. With my keys in the car.

Somewhere in this house there is another set of car keys, I swear. But the time I am going to spend trying to find them (because why would we keep the spare keys on the KEY RACK?) is going to far outweigh the extra time it would have taken to just get everything and everyone out the door at once. That’s karma for you.

In the middle of the night

The middle of the night seems to be my favorite time to have a panic attack. When no one is awake to distract me, and I don’t want to wake M because we get so little sleep as it is thanks to dear A’s nighttime antics. Plus, I know he doesn’t quite get it, and gets frustrated by his inability to do anything to help. Last night was a particularly horrid night. It took many hours to get A to bed, then she woke up screaming at 1 or 2 am and couldn’t be calmed easily. I lost my temper, and went back to bed leaving her in her room while I calmed down instead. After many interventions, she finally went back to bed, but by this point I was pissed and wide awake.

Then my left shoulder started burning and I thought “That’s it, I’m having a heart attack.” And I lay there fretting about it, which of course made my shoulder hurt even more. I tried all the various mantras therapists have given me at one point or another. I tried the deep breathing from Lamaze, but couldn’t quite remember it and just ended up hyperventilating. I tried reciting Goodnight Moon and Moo, Baa, La La La. Nothing really work and I just lay in bed silently freaking out until my shoulder finally stopped hurting and I could fall back asleep.

Logically I know that at 34, especially after having every heart test possible short of an angiogram because of my palpitations, the likelihood of actually having angina or a heart attack is almost impossible. But in the middle of the night, the little voice in my head latches onto the “almost” and reminds me of all the horror stories one reads in women’s magazines about young mothers having undiagnosed heart disease, or cancer, or whatever the deadly disease du jour might be. Logically, I know I fixate on heart disease because I saw my father-in-law have a heart attack, flatline, and get shocked back to life less than 24 hours before A was born (thanks postpartum hormones). But I don’t know why I can’t let go of the fear like almost everyone else in the world is able to do.

During the day, I can now shrug off most of my panic attacks by keeping busy, taking the kids out to the park, the grocery store, or calling a friend. But once the rest of the world is asleep it is just me and my fear. I wish I could send it to the moon with A’s Trader Joe’s balloons, or vanquish it with a monster spray. But somehow, the tricks that work with small children don’t quite work as a grownup. So in the middle of the night I am forced to take on my fears alone and at the moment they seem to have the upper hand.


Last night, I dreamt I was having a huge BBQ. And guess who was there??? No, come one, guess! All of you! It was actually a grand party. Her Bad Mother brought the koolaid (Really! I swear!) Phantom brought the chocolate, Lisel and Little Duck rode bikes with A and C. Kristen was there in a very cute outfit, Jennifer and Beachmama inspected my garden and jo(e)’s kids supplied us with music. Kristy, Rebecca and Gina hung out near the grill and supervised the making of hot dogs and kabobs (thank you ladies, you did a wonderful job!). Kdubs showed off her adorable pregnant belly by the picnic table, and Suzanne and Landismom discussed my bookcase contents on the sun porch. Steph supervised the girls in dress up activities (somehow I had acquired a whole wardrobe of princess costumes…) and Barbara was in charge of the potato sack races.

Many, many others were milling about, and I think a good time was had by all. Unfortunately, A woke me up in the middle of the dream, so I didn’t get to enjoy my party for all that long. But it was lovely! And fun! So please, feel free to come again. And if I disappear because of a screaming child, please talk amongst yourselves and help yourself to the contents of my fridge.

Perhaps this one is more appropriate…

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you lovable – even if you don’t love them!

You are usually feeling: Logical – you rarely let your emotions rule you

You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil

How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

For M

I saw this at Phantom’s and had to take the quiz for M, who is a die-hard Star Trek fan.

Your results:
You are An Expendable Character (Redshirt)

Since your accomplishments are seldom noticed,
and you are rarely thought of, you are expendable.
That doesn’t mean your job isn’t important but if you
were in Star Trek you would be killed off in the first
episode you appeared in.

Click here to take the “Which Star Trek character are you?” quiz…

I always knew I was invisible…

Tree-Hugging Liberal

At the drugstore the other day I caved and bought the kids dolphin shaped water guns, called “Water Squirts.”

C: “Water guns! Cool!”

Mommy :” No, no, they are not water guns, they are water squirts.”

C: “Well, you can call them that if you want I suppose, but really, they are water guns mom.”

They ARE. NOT. Water guns. They are WATER SQUIRTS.

I knew I should have stuck with the squirt bottles.

Of dollars and dimes, cleaning ladies and bad rhymes

It’s been a while since I posted, but really nothing of note has happened, and my thoughts have been somewhat mundane. “Should I fold the laundry or empty the dishwasher? Why is it so hard to open string cheese? Will my children every eat a protein source other than dairy again?”

No one is even looking at the house, let along buying it, so we’ve finding that a bit hysteria provoking. I mean, NO ONE has even come through in almost two weeks, except for the nosy neighbors at the open house on Sunday. And no, my house is not being kept nearly as clean as it should. What’s the point? Since we put the house on the market, not a single person has come through mid-week. It’s still much cleaner than it would be if we weren’t trying to sell it, but I’m not vacuuming up the cat hair four times a day anymore.

Given the fact that no one is looking at my house, I’ve been busy trying to figure out how to save money as clearly we will be carrying both houses for a while. I know this means I need to scale back or get rid of the wondrous woman who cleans our house and babysits once a week. While she may not be God’s gift the cleaning ladies, she is by for the best babysitter I have ever had, and the kids would freak. And I might lose my sanity. But really, that is my biggest household expense outside of groceries, and as hard as I try I can’t seem to scale back the grocery budget much as my kids eat more than a normal adult in a given day.

In the name of frugality, I have also refrained from enrolling the kids in any summer activities except for a week of day camp around the time that we were originally supposed to be moving. At the time, the ability to hang out all day sounded lovely, now that we are two days from the end of school for the year, I’m getting a bit concerned about our ability to occupy ourselves all day in a house that has to be kept clean. There are only so many hours one can spend at the town pool. Or are there? I guess we will soon find out.

Thankfully it has been so cold that there has been no need to turn on the AC. While I would love to just keep it off this summer, at least during the day, a friend pointed out that I actually can’t do that while trying to sell as I want to show off the fact there is AC inn a three hundred+ year old home. I also suppose if I got around to potty training the clearly ready A that would both keep us occupied and save us money in diapers, but the stress of it all seems so overwhelming right now. Perhaps I should start buying lottery tickets instead….

Any other budget cutting ideas from anyone? Outside of cutting back on my wine consumption that is. While the cleaning lady/babysitter may be negotiable, my daily glass of wine is not…but perhaps I could, gulp, give two buck chuck a try again. Or not.

A language quagmire

As I was knotting strings so C could do a lacing pattern:

Mommy: “There! Go knot happy!”

C: “Are you unhappy mommy?”

Mommy: “No, I’m rather chipper today. Why?”

C: “Well, you said ‘Go not happy’ and that doesn’t make any sense.”

Mommy: “Oh, I meant knot as in tying knots, not not as in no…”

C: “Huh?”

Mommy: “Knot as is k-n-o-t not n-o-t…oh, damn the English language.”

C: “Mommy, Mrs. K says damn isn’t a nice word.”

Mommy: “Grrr.”

C: “I’m still a little confused about the k-n-o-t thing…”

Mommy: “Double grrr.”

Six more things about me

A long, long time ago I promised HeatherJ a meme on six things about me. Not six weird things, just six things. Which you would think would be easier than the six weird things, but after revealing 100 things about me not so long ago, finding six more that weren’t redundant or boring was a bit of a challenge. Especially since those of you who have been reading along for a while know the pseudo-interesting ones, like that I grew up on a farm or that A’s insomnia can be tracked right back to me, or that I stink at arts and crafts activities. And those of you who are newer, well, I’ve just caught you up. But without further ado, here are six more….no guarantees.

1) I’m addicted to Diet Coke. These days it is caffeine free Diet Coke, but I still drink several a day. I know it is supposed to give you cancer, and my MIL is convinced that it is the reason for all of my heart and other health issues, but it is the one vice I have left. Well, that and my glass (or two) of wine after the kids go to bed, but really, that’s medicinal. It’s either the wine or a whole bunch of tranquilizers, and hey, they claim wine is good for the heart. So I went with wine.

2) I don’t relax well. I keep trying spa weekends, massages, yoga, yadda yadda yadda, but I just end up feeling antsy and making snide comments to myself as I sit there pretending to be relaxed. Like “Explain to me again why having a total stranger rub my shoulders is supposed to be relaxing?” Or “Ommmmmm, ommmmmmm, Hmmmm. All this ommmmming is a bit like drinking the koolaid, you know? Do people actually lose themselves in the ‘ommmmm’?” So we come back to the glass (or two) of wine as my preferred relaxation technique.

3) I do believe in pedicures. By professionals. I don’t relax when getting them, but I feel strongly that my toes must be a shade of pink or red at all times. Perhaps it is because I have huge feet and I think that the colored toes will distract from the fact that at 5’2″ I wear a size 9 and 1/2. I also believe in eyebrow waxing. I’ve given up the manicures, however. There seemed to be no point since 20 minutes later I was inevitably digging in the dirt or scraping off grilled cheese goo and finger paint with my nails.

4) I love to bargain shop. Even when I can afford to pay full price I refuse to do so. And have frequently missed out on something I really wanted because it was sold out by the time the sales hit, but I can’t help myself. I also feel the need to tell everyone about my bargains. In fact, I’ll share with you my bargain of the summer, and it is not even Memorial Day! These shoes, retailing for $80 and I got them on eBay for less than $30. Because really, how many women with a size 9 and 1/2 foot shop for shoes on eBay? Aren’t they cute? Incredibly comfortable too.

5) I’m looking forward to being a soccer mom. Not for the reasons one might think, but because it will be someone else’s responsibility to run my kids into the ground and tire them out while I sit on the sidelines and cheer. Or try to sneak in a few pages of my book. My kids seem to need much more physical activity than I have the energy to provide in the backyard or playground. Which is why we have signed up for so many sporting activities. But since my participation is still required at most of them, it’s still exhausting. And yet, they still don’t sleep.

6) I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, besides being a soccer mom that is. And I don’t really think that’s a lucrative career. If anyone has any brilliant ideas, please feel free to share. I figure I still have a few years before A hits first grade, but I should probably start working on a plan now. If only to keep myself sane…

So there you go. Six sort of new things about me. I won’t subject anyone else to a tag on this one since it took me so long to get around to it you’ve all probably done it, but if you haven’t done it yet and you want to do some introspection, go for it!